To Be Close, Be Strong

By Annie Collyer

Have you ever had a conversation, where suddenly your partner gets offended, saying you've been snapping at them? Did that surprise you?

I think most of us have had that happen. We had no idea we had even gotten into an attack mode, because it can happen almost naturally.

We have a sensitivity, and it gets triggered. The most immediate and natural response is to go into self-defense. Self-defense most often comes across as aggressive and an attack. A snapping back.

Most of the time, you didn't even realize things had gotten to you, and that you were taking it out on them. It wasn't intentional, but it happened.

How can you avoid this problem, and keep your relationship strong, fun and healthy?

Insecurities play a big role in both having and causing conflict and offense. We all have areas of our personalities, history and actions that we are not secure and confident about. Those are the areas we often feel a need to defend.

Somehow we don't feel attacked or in need of defense in areas where we feel strong and confident, do we?

Sometimes your partner will use known insecurities as a point of attack. It can be deliberate. It can be an attack of their own, because of their own insecurity.

But most often, it all begins with you. Take responsibility! Be aware and mindful of your own areas of insecurity. Know and accept your own imperfections. We all have them. When you can accept your own, mindfully, you become more confident and assured.

Then you won't have to go on the defense and feel slighted every time there is a comment that could trigger your own insecurity.

Being mindful can be a habit you cultivate. Become more aware all day long of how you're feeling. Are you happy, stressed, motivated, sad? Your emotions are your internal guidance system as to what is and isn't working for you. You can make adjustments to adjust your emotions.

When you're aware of your emotional responses, you don't need to go into defense mode. Awareness can help all your relationships, with your partner, with others, and with self-value.

Don't take yourself so seriously. Learn to laugh at yourself. Learn that everyone makes mistakes. We all screw up, from time to time, or even frequently. It's part of being alive.

Accepting yourself, with your screw-ups, is part of valuing yourself. It demonstrates maturity that will gain respect and love from others around you.

When you value yourself, you are strong enough to avoid self-defense. Instead of taking easy offense at unintended slights, you can laugh and enjoy and accept. That allows closeness instead of conflict.

Mindfulness and self-acceptance are all a part of allowing yourself to be who you are, and valuing yourself. When we can do that, we can avoid many of the defense mechanisms we often use, that cause conflict and argument.
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